Thursday, 9 May 2013

becoming by pushing past the past.

This is literally the longest I have ever spent writing a blog post as I started writing this back in 2012 according to this entry and it has changed and edited multiple times, yet I edited it and added to it anyways and today is the day I post it.

I do what I do because I cannot do otherwise, this is the only thing that remains from the original post, well that and the title. This particular post jumped and changed six or seven times, in both topic and content since I originally started to write it. I started to write this during a time of growth for me and the last long while has been furthering that growth.

I decided to make this about my growing up.

I grew up and always knew something was different, something that I couldn't explain to myself, so I ignored it. I am the youngest of the four kids. My sister and I are the closest in age, and then I have an older sister and then an Older brother whom is the oldest of us four. I always enjoyed hanging out with my older sister when I was younger. (and oddly enough we would play house with our cousins etc and I would be the family dog when I could.)

As the years passed me by, several things become apparent, one of which is that I struggle with several disabilities. I grew up going to speech therapy, I grew up learning to type on a computer, and with the help of a special instructor, because my paws don't work the way there were supposed to, they are faulty as is my paw-eye coordination. My memory is bad, at least when it comes to certain things, names, dates, etc. I wasn't physically strong, because I had heart surgery shortly after I was born and that impacted my left arm, due to mass scar tissue that resides beneath due to that, and a few other things.

Needless to say I grew up with very few friends outside of my bio-family because when I would make them, they would ditch me for the cooler kids when the opportunity arose.. (I have also moved about twelve times in my life..) so I learned to amuse myself and with that came my imagination, because I learned that the name-called followed me wherever I went from school to school. So I learned to watch people, and I found myself reading more novels, because in those books, I found my escape, from my life into one that was just all around better.

Then I hit middle school (grade 6 to be exact.) and we moved from Sudbury, Ontario to Mississauga Ontario.. I was once again the new kid.. Not only was I the new kid, I was also seen as slow and stupid by my peers. I'm sure I made a wonderful first impression to them in that regard, (I didn't know that Boston was not a Province at the time. I didn't even know what that word meant. as unlike my peers, I had yet to learn any geography, outside of Sudbury that is..)

So I was bullied a lot by quite a few students, Grade 6 became grade 7.. I found myself once again under fire. For you see, back in grade 3 I had been exempt from French, because my speech was barely understandable when it came to English never mind French. Grade 7 they stuck me in the class with the schools French teacher as my homeroom teacher and she never liked me, although neither did the kids.

My family has never been well off, we do alright, but we never had a ton of money. It was as if my very presence in their school, was an insult because I was an odd kid, who enjoyed reading, who came from a family that didn't have much money, and never chased the girls with the other boys.. While all my classmates seemed to be well off and had the nicer things in life.

Then it happened, an event that isn't very clear in my brain any more, because I have pushed past it, but I still haven't completely recovered, even today.

I had been beat up and harassed all throughout my life at this point, by quite a few people. well on this particular evening one of them hit me in the face and I went home to mom, and instead of being able to hide this from her, (although she knew it was going on and would comfort me, she never saw any of the evidence until this point) so she did what she did to protect me and got the police involved..

I talked to the police officer with mom and gave him my statement.. as I had grown up believing that Adults would protect kids.

The very next day the police officer showed up and got me to a point to a picture of the students who slapped me or beating me up.. I pointed out two of the students that had been beating me up (although it wasn't the pair that had actually slapped me.. it was two others.) The Teacher basically flat out called me a liar to my face in front of the Police officer, because her students would never do something like bully another student, blah blah blah and that I was a liar..

the police reprimanded the kids and then sent us back to class with the Teacher... as soon as we got back to class the teacher had the gather the students around in a circle and literally had every single student tell me why, he or she didn't like me... Every word by everyone of my fellow students was like a dagger and the Teacher finished off by saying that she thought that I should just go kill myself. I was emotionally numb, by that time and had shut down to keep out the pain from their words out, yet they still got in.

Today the thought of his happening to someone brings a deep burning rage to my heart, and these days I can see it clearly for what it was. .

I went home devastated, needless to say, my belief in adults and my fellow kids was completely shattered. I stopped caring because I didn't know how to cope, except to turn that which caused me pain away.. Mom and Dad were enraged and I started a long downward spiral into depression, which it took me years to come out of.

I stopped trusting everyone, my being able to read people got pushed to the front along with cold calculations, and I pushed everyone away. (I suspect that the Teacher and principle both got fired for that. as they were both replaced the next year, and I never heard what happened to them.)

8- though the end of high-school I survived by not caring. I got beat up, because I was still a freak in their eyes. I got beat up a lot, but I just didn't care about them, they were obsticles in my way that I could and would avoid. Then during my last year of high school. I made something I had not had since grade 8, which was friends and the depression lifted a little bit.. We had all ended up talking to each other and our sexualities ended up coming out and I admitted to myself the first time I was gay..

We all lost track of each other as the school year ended and we graduated and we went our separate ways.

I moved back to Sudbury to live with my youngest older sister and I lived with her and her 2 year old daughter, while I did a pointless college certificate, before moving back to Mississauga. it was that year or perhaps the year after that I went back to Sudbury and met Master and the rest of the leather family for the first time.


Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Struggle of the writer puppy.

So for those who aren't aware I have submitted to do a workshop at TEASE, a pan-sexual camping weekend in Barrie Ontario, Canada.

I have been accepted and am slated to teach.

Yet with that comes some struggle for me, I am a puppy, this is who I am at the my core, so explaining it to people who don't see the world the way i do, is difficult.

 As of late I have been working on the seminar, it should be so simple, so easy to explain to people. Because for me its so easy to reach out and type like I do anything else, I write, I word craft, it flows from inside me as easy as water flows from a river. Its a natural talent, really. yet this I struggle, I struggle to put that which is in my heart, that which resides in my soul down on paper. Part of me is struggling and I realize that as I write it, is that explaining activities is great, but they don't touch on the why, or the feelings they invoke, what it feels like to be in my head and see the world or how they influence my world.

I am a puppy thus feelings are important, I naturally pick them up, that and energy of those around me, but to write down the seminar seems like i'm killing them, beating them with a shovel and not being fair to that which makes me, me.

I have always been bad at Clinical writing, I need to write something with some kind of passion or drive, heat, or anger, some emotion in which I can use to fuel that fire, that writing, without that emotion, it comes out flat and un interesting. I have never been a list persion, there is nothing worse then writing a list for me, nothing worse then writing something that is so unimportant that details are left out.

I have always been distracted by the new idea, my ideas, my imagination, because in my head my childhood imagination is still strong and flurishing, it builds and builds, it learns and adapts. I have gone from a child who hoped that I would one day be a Power Ranger, to being an Adult who's imagination cannot imagine a world without them.

Imagination is what makes my world go around, in the end the brain is the biggest sexual organ a person has, and with mine its practically unlimited. My imagination and my knowledge of myself helps me grow, helps me learn, but it also helps me be true to myself. My imagination is the strongest part of mind, that and my critical thinking, is there is any wonder I identify as a puppy or exist so strongly as there is one built into my nature?

With that in mind is there any wonder why I live the lifestyle in which I live every moment of every day so easily so completely? I see the world through the eyes of a puppy, because I'm free from the constraints that which most people are blind to. I have always been a human-puppy, so my imagination grew around that. after all squirrels are evil, hoomans give good ear scritches and squeakies are the best thing ever. It’s a sense of being loyal of having a pack and knowing that with every ounce of your being. Puppies are protective and loyal, we care for our humans and are cared for. It is who we are in side.


Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Are we really that different: Observations from CLAW.

This past weekend, i had the opportunity to attend the Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend (aka CLAW) due to the generosity of my Master's partner, boy Iain. At a large gathering like this and in particular a gathering of my own extended leather family - I had the opportunity to look around at the people who surround me - and see those whom i call family and am proud to be seen by them as family. I specifically got to spend time with the wonderful Master's and Sir's, boys, and slaves that are a part of the the leather family of which i am a part. This past weekend reminded me, like every time i walk among those i call family, not only why i am so happy to serve my Master, but also why i try my best in offering my services to the family as set forth by my Master.

Over the course of this past weekend, I was privileged to receive compliments from several members of my family and some people from outside of my family based on the way that I have grown and how I carry myself in and around the family. I don't offer what i do because i'm special or because i'm looking for a reward, or because i'm doing it for selfish reasons (although I'm not entirely sure that making the members of said family happy is an entirely altruistic act though). I don't do it for praise or recognition, I offer and give what i do freely, because i can not change that part of who i am, nor would i if i could for it is me being me.

This past weekend at CLAW was one of those events that was a growing opportunity for me. Not only did I get to sit and watch/participate in a couple of great Puppy-play seminar's, but also I learned a few things (though nothing that caught me completely by surprise). These seminars were put on by Sir Marc, his partner Master Noel, pup Ace and boy Neal. In my eyes these seminars were very well done and great to watch, and they gave us, the puppies, puppy treats. wags

Yet this past weekend also chilled me to the bone and made my tail stop wagging. it made me look at the leather family of which I am a part, and be more grateful for my place in it. I didn't like what i saw and it seemed to fly in the face of everything i was taught to believe in, of everything that i know to be truthful and altruistic and in its place saw what in my head seems to be "abuse and doormats".
I people watch, i'm great at reading body language, energy and facial expressions. What i noticed at CLAW, was that a lot of the boy's seemed to have personalities and of course were allowed to speak, ask questions, put their answers forward. Their energy was alive and humming. Yet the slaves, those that probably have the greatest wisdom and opinions to give when talking about M/s relationships from the slave perspective, yet remained silent. I noticed over the course of the weekend that their energy seemed muted some how and despite the smiles on their face, they didn't seem to be all that happy. Their energy and their personalities seemed identical to one another for the most part and that was frankly creepy.

In the M/s seminars, the Masters talked away about how they see things, yet the slaves remained silent, as if putting their thoughts forward, were some how less valuable because they were slaves, or as if their thoughts were unimportant to the discussion. When in fact in order to have a well balanced and thought out discussion both sides need to talk.

There came a part of the weekend during a seminar when the head of my leather family's Alpha-slave spoke up and spoke from his experience. The shocked look on the Master/Sir's faces and in their body language was priceless - they were quite frankly shocked. To me it seemed that they had never heard a slave actually speak up in a class before without their Master's prompting, never mind interrupting a conversation between Masters and Sir's. In my leather family, the opinion and thoughts of the submissive members of our family are valued and listened to, and are taken into account by their dominants. They may not change the decision being made, but they are heard. After the seminar, a new member of the community, thanked our family's Alpha-slave for speaking up and showing that subs can and do have a voice that needs to be heard.

It was amazing to see the reaction of the Masters/Sirs, and it was amusing to see the rebuttle to his comment, as the 'Sir' to whom he replied to had nothing but excuses and insults to give back to a very well done and thought out opinion of the opposite nature. The man basically said that he was arguing semantics and had at one point called my Grand-Master and my own Master immoral and unable to keep their word.

My observations during this weekend seemed to suggest that many of the slaves I observed seem to have the exact same way of acting. Part of me wonders if this is an american cultural thing? Perhaps an American leather culture thing? Part of me also wonders if this is due to some protocol or training program that is very pervasive amongst those people i had a chance to observe. I wonder if a new submissive entering the community might observe what I did, and think "I don't want to be come a slave, because it seems like the are all the same".

Another such part of me wonders is if some of the training programs that offer to train a slave or Master in the States, may end up doing more bad then good, basically pumping out the same slave over and over again, eroding each wonderful personality they once had and which they could be bringing into the service of their Master.

I have heard that there are indeed good ones, but part of me wonders that for every good one if there isn't ten or so bad ones cropping up. Which instead of looking to educate the community, are just looking to simply earn money.


Sunday, 15 April 2012

Honor thy self.

good evening,

Honor thy self.

Three simple words, yet they are not simple. The meaning is strong, the intent is strong. Something that should be simple, yet it is truely a test of ones character. Yet i notice that quite a few people forget that, they think they can be assholes just because they are on the internet. They get to be trolls, they get to hide behind a screen and say things to piss off others that they may or may not truely mean. because they don't have the spine to say it on their real profiles.

It amuses them and then they get to go back to their other profiles and be back to being them, and back to pretending that they actually are respectful members of the community. If they were truely respectful members of the community, they would speak the words they want to say under their account and own those words, instead of trolling.

I honor myself. i speak my mind in a way that honors those that i care about about and call family. That doesn't always mean that they agree with everything i have to say on any given issue, but i am alright with that, because i am not them and they are not me. That doesn't mean that my views aren't correct, that doesn't mean that they are wrong either. Its all about perception, the difference is that i stand behind my opinions, my words, my views are my own views. They stem from the life i have lived.

  In the end, i don't have another account to express those veiws, because i am not a coward unlike those who troll. I am not ashamed of my veiws. i stand by what i say even if they can at times be against people or for things others don't like. i don't need to hide behind another screen name to express them, i don't need to hide behind anything, because while my veiws may not be the popular one, or even the morally correct one, but it is the one I agree with, and it is the one i will speak to.


Saturday, 3 March 2012



In every life, in every second, in every moment one must make decisions. i sat here tonight and thought about what i wanted my blog to be about, and what it isn't.

I have decided that this blog is going to contain written words by me and include very few if any pictures. That may be someone's shickt, but it isn't mine.

I personally find those blogs cluttered and messy, expecially those that cannot seem to make up their minds about what they want their blogs to be and that is not what i'm about, or at least my writing.

I decided some time ago that if i was to start blogging that i would have a focus, a direction i wanted to take it. Part of it is to get my point of view out there, with all the cynical and critical comments in my head and thoughts down in this unsensord blog. 

If i disagree with something, i will  write it down, because i believe that me giving my opinion and not being truthful about it, doesn't suit who i am. If something annoys me, i will rant about it, if my opinion changes, i will make sure to reflect that here.

The other reason for starting this is  once again education. I believe education to be a fundimental support for the leather community, as it draws those new and old together and allows newer and the  more traditional idea's to flow back and forth.

I am a puppy, so my educational plans clearly involve teaching about the puppy lifestyle. I would call it play but for me, there is no play involved, its who i am, its what i am, its what i live, day in and day out.

I decided that the education part was not only for other puppies but that part of the education  was for myself. So i decided i was to start a fetlife group called: The Puppy Lifestyle (which can be found here: )

Part of the reason I decided to start my own is because I got sick of the puppy-play groups. i don't consider myself a puppy-player in the same way they define it so most of the stuff in those groups never seemed to apply to me. I also found them quite annoying. Then again i find the majority of Fetlife and the people on it annoying.

I do puppy-play which i define as; playing with other pups.

but i don't define pup-play in the way a lot of people seem to: roleplaying a dog or a puppy..

The difference is that i don't roleplay... I live my life as a human-puppy, and i suspect that is the difference between those groups and myself, is simply that a fundamental difference in what pupplay is.

Signing off


Thursday, 1 March 2012


Welcome to my Blog

Because i believe (you will be sick of seeing that by time you are done.) that all blogs should have an introductory post... well here it is.

I am at the time of writing this a 26 year old gay male, who identifies as a leatherpup, specifically a husky.

I am known by many names, one of which is simply Kalen to my family, to the Internet pupKalen, another and to those that are closest to me and the Leather Community; i am known as Master Scott's alpha slave-pup Kalen. To the others in the puppy play community, i am Master Scott's pup Bandit. I'm sure you are wondering why i am writing this, but at the moment i'm trying to figure that out for myself.

I as you can see have many titles; alpha, slave-pup, pup. All of those describe me, and yet none of those individually describe who i am..  Yet something else in conjunction with those titles, individually, or all together describes me who i am at my core, who i am within all the titles, within the community, within my life,  and that would be; Master Scott's. Its only two words, a title and a name... but at my core that is who i am. (Thank You Master.)

I am a complex and interesting pup. My heart lies in service and yet my strong mind lies in body that is weak, and my soul is that of a human/puppy hybrid. I believe that people's energy shows me their hearts and souls.

I'm educated, yet i struggle to understand the point of taxes.
i'm logical yet hate math.
I'm a great listener, but hate people. 
I'm bitter, yet like to believe the best people.
I think people are morons and yet am surprised when they act like it.
I expect people to do the best for others and be happy in that.
I believe in the Social System in Canada... but only for certain people.
I believe that people should make their own choices in absolute freedom.
I believe that Children should be protected.
I believe that reasons are acceptable and excuses never are.
I believe that the world will keep spinning if i keep believing these things.

I'm loyal, independant, smart, funny, loving, caring, niave, strong, yet flexable, bitter and jaded. driven to protect those i care about. morally flexable, yet lawfully focused. Honor bound, and honor taken. Listner, a secret keeper, a rock yet shatterable. a human yet a pup, Kalen yet bandit. Master's slave, Master's pup. i'm a bottom. i'm a Lover not a fighter, but i will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

I have a fundamental belief system; i will look after those who look after me, and even those who don't, but i won't live by those who live only for themselves or harm those around them.

Honor thy words, honor thyself, that is how i show honor to everyone else.

I don't believe in the bible, or the ten commandments, for those are what lay evil in the hearts of society.

I believe in: Justice, revenge for the sake of revenge (an eye for an eye), i believe in honor, i believe in intent, living one's life.with honor, love and compasion, with a healthy bit of paranoia thrown in. I believe in protecting those you love and in blood thirsty revenge when that protection fails.

A man should be judged on his actions, on his words, on his honor and his intent.

I believe that all pups should get ear scritches and belly rubs.

I believe that Hooman's need a nose lick once in a while from the pups in their lives to stay alive (noses should be wet!)

I believe in education of my community.

Thank You for reading.


Master Scott's alpha slave-pup Kalen.
Master Scott's pup Bandit